When was the last time someone said, “I need you”? How did it make you feel? I will make a presumption here and just assume that the sentiment made you feel really good. It is, after all, nice to be needed; to feel like someone relies on you for something important. But I think there’s a better thing to say to someone. That thing is: “I want you.”
For all of those whose minds ventured immediately to sex, let me call you back to my point. I don’t mean “I want you” in any way other than to admit that there are many choices in life. To be wanted among so many other choices is, in my opinion, far more powerful than being needed.
Why do I make this distinction? It’s simple, really. I think we live in a world of disposable people; where we value a relationship or a person when they serve some kind of purpose for us. Maybe they consistently counsel our decisions in a rational way; maybe they have a truck we know we can use to move furniture; maybe they help us pay the rent or can be counted on for a fun night out on the town. Whatever the need, that person fulfills it for us. And so we stick with them, have good times with them, and continue to rely upon them to fulfill that need (and maybe others). But what happens when that need is no longer a need? What happens to our relationship with that person?
I used to have a good friend who would make the distinction all the time between a want and a need. When he would do something nice, I’d say, “Oh, you don’t have to do that.” And he would reply, “You’re right, I don’t have to. I want to.” Or, in other words, “I don’t need to, I want to.” See the difference? The wanting to is what makes the action nice. The wanting to be a support, the wanting to be present, the wanting to stick around – that’s what matters. Anyone can stick around when they need something. True friendship – or even love – is what exists when all needs are removed and you decide you still like the person simply for who they are.
I don’t know about you, but I’d take being valued for me over being valued for what I can provide any day of the week. Sure, you might love me for many reasons. But at the end of the day, if it’s not because of WHO I am (vs. what I provide), I’m pretty sure my life is better off without you.