love
Marathon
Today I am thrilled to welcome a guest to my blog. When Nichol shared her writing with me and expressed an interest in “putting it somewhere,” I asked her if she’d like to make a guest post on Characteristically Speaking. When I read her message, I almost begged her to share it here. Even if you are not a runner, there are so many lessons in what she writes. Whatever your passion, find your own strength – pull from the inspiration all around you – and keep at it. Thanks, Nichol. It is my honor to share this.
Marathon
Guest Post by Nichol Hoff
To borrow from The Counting Crows, “It was a long December…”And that’s when it all started.
A fitness friend of mine talked about setting a new goal for herself. In a slump myself, it seemed like a good idea and I followed suit. I really followed suit. I signed up for the 26.2 mile NJ Marathon.
With full intentions of meeting my goal, I wrote out a training schedule that blended workouts with my crazy life. And at first I was very diligent. I was out there running all the time. In late February/early March, I backed off a little, but still always tried to get in my long run. By April, I realized I had overtrained. My body wanted none of it and was protesting. For the last few weeks, I did 1-2 short runs each week.
On the morning of the marathon, I woke at 3:45 a.m. I remember thinking, “It’s time. I trained for months and now it’s time to GO!” With my friend and my daughter (my personal cheerleader), I was in the car and on my way, hydrating and fueling the whole drive. “Remember,” I told myself, “through HIM I can do all things.” On the way to the starting line, I wrote six names on my arm: all people who inspire me in different ways. I wasn’t out to break any records. I just wanted to finish.
I was lined up at 7:45 a.m. And then at 8 a.m., I heard the call: Marathon runners are you ready? The horn blew and it was game time. I breezed through the first few miles, using funny memories of friends and experiences to distract me.
At mile eight, I joined a group of runners wearing shirts that said, “I am running for…” One of the runner’s shirts said: I am running for Denise, my wife. He pushed a wheelchair that carried a woman; presumably Denise. Reminded that unconditional love exists in this world, I began to cry. I had experienced it once. Would I again? Could I again find someone who can handle the intensity of my love? I don’t know how to dip my toe into anything; you get all or nothing. It’s not for everyone. This I know all too well.
Seventeen miles in and I was doing ok, although getting a handle on potty breaks and hydration was a challenge. Made a mistake and allowed myself to walk for a few minutes during the last nine miles (warning: DON’T do that. You suddenly feel EVERYTHING). Sensing my struggle, a woman I had been running with for several miles reminded me of a client in one of the fitness classes I teach – a client whose husband battled his way through cancer and is now on his way to recovery. Her strength inspired me. Suddenly, my spirit was renewed!
When I hit mile marker 20, I decided that the best way to get through the last six miles was to assign a mile to each person whose name appeared on my arm. I name them here because of the influence they make on my life:
Mile 21: Mr. Hoffman. I immediately thought about forgiveness, God’s grace, and love. Mr. Hoffman lost a battle to cancer. Once a strong man, we watched him deteriorate. When he was still healthy, he helped me process some things I had buried; things that held me back from living my potential. And when I first started to train, I would run by his house. When I was tired, I thought of him and his pain. It helped me to keep going. I remembered that he had accepted Jesus into his heart. Through HIM all things are possible. I kept running.
Mile 22: Kevin Fidler. Kevin was my first husband and nineteen years after his death I still think about him often. His wild and adventurous side scared me; yet made me feel so alive. He was my first love and taught me so much about myself; the most important lesson being that material things don’t matter. Love is love, no matter what. Loving him – and losing him – taught me about loss…true loss. I learned how strong I am. I kept running.
Mile 23: Mom. My mom struggled with inner demons that wreaked havoc on her life and my family’s. Her choices made me unable to decipher truth from fiction and I was insecure and unable to get close to others for a long time. My relationship with her taught me about faith in God and the importance of forgiveness. I am grateful that we had found a shared peace before she died; that we better understood each other’s love. I am thankful that she is at peace now. I kept running.
Mile 24: Dad. He is and will always be my hero. A straight shooter who will always tell you like it is, he is the most loyal man I know. While he doesn’t always know how to show emotion, he sacrificed everything – including himself – for many years to give me the best he had to offer. To this day, when I am in trouble, I call dad, my Dad E Boy. I kept running.
Mile 25: Richard. A well-educated man who surfed, skied, and loved the shore, Richard was a client of mine for a few years. Our conversations about his adventures inspired me to add an overseas ski trip to my bucket list. When he was diagnosed with invasive cancer, Richard pursued treatment that left him in ICU for a week each time. But his strength is what I remember. Today, he works out harder than ever. He does not quit. I kept running.
Mile 26: Emma, my true love. When I found out on Super Bowl Sunday of 2004 that I was pregnant, I was nervous and excited at the same time. It was an overall easy pregnancy. I loved having her in my belly! And the day she was born, I fell completely in love. It was a year of abundant dragonflies; they were everywhere! She is my little dragonfly. Every day she teaches me about unconditional love. She challenges me to be my best and forgives me when I fail. Her adventurous yet cautious spirit reminds me that life is short. Work hard, play hard, and be genuine and true. Being a mom is the toughest job I could ever have. I am blessed. I kept running.
There are so many reasons I run. A friend of mine (who had lost almost 200 pounds), invited me to run some 5K races with her because she wanted someone to push her. My own on and off battle with food and weight prompted me to run. I ran during a failing marriage because it was an outlet for me where I could be on my own, talk to God, and let my emotions flow. Through happiness and tears, for motivation and out of determination, I run. Running allows me to feel strong, to know that through HIM, I can do anything.
When I completed the marathon and crossed the finish line, I feel like I carried so many people over the line with me; not only those whose names were etched on my arm, but so many others who inspire and motivate me. And there she stood: my Emma, waiting to congratulate me and cheering me on. In her embrace I realized just how strong I am: spiritually, mentally, and physically. And for her – for us – I keep running.
(Nichol Hoff lives in Cape May Courthouse, NJ. She teaches fitness and is a lover of the beach, the surf, and of course, her daughter Emma.)
Choosing a Vulnerable Heart
I read a quote recently that said: “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
The quote lead me to wonder which side of the coin is better: being loved deeply, or deeply loving another. There’s no question that the ideal scenario is one in which both things happen simultaneously. Certainly, deeply reciprocated love must feel the best. Through my faith, I know that is true.
But what if we had to make a choice? What if we could pick only one? Do you choose to love deeply? Or do you choose to be deeply loved?
The scenario, to me, is sort of like a Christmas present. As I’ve gotten older, my favorite part of the holidays lies not in the presents I receive. Rather, my joy lies in the giving. I know I’m not alone in this feeling. Despite the fact that gift giving involves some level of risk (Will it fit? Will she like it? Is it the right color?), my heart swells with a certain happiness when I hand someone a neatly wrapped package. Imagine offering your heart to others in the same way.
Of course I am not ignorant of the risk involved in loving others. In fact, I’ve been told more than once that I love too freely; that I give too much of myself to those who don’t deserve it. My willingness to do so is a choice. I know that an open heart is a vulnerable heart. But I would rather drown in courage than flounder in loneliness. I also believe that in loving others, I come to love myself. And if my mother ever taught me anything, it was that no one else will ever love me if I don’t love myself first (even if on some days that is harder to do than on others).
And so as I think about the question I posed about loving vs. being loved, the choice for me is an easy one. I will love. And I will do it with passion and intensity and freedom. I don’t know how to do it half-way. I don’t care to exercise caution. And I won’t waste time building emotional walls that make it hard for others to love me back. I will just love…and love deeply.
Theologian William Shedd is quoted as saying, “A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.” Take your ship out for a sail; even have the courage to venture into deep water. When you do, I bet you find all the strength you need for quite an adventure!
Why Falling “in Love” is a Cop Out
I had a conversation recently with a friend about the whole notion of being “in love.” I use quotation marks to distinguish the phrase because the debate was whether or not there is a difference between loving someone and being “in love” with someone. It wasn’t the first time I had engaged in a conversation about the perceived difference. And, after much thought over the years, I say with strong conviction that being “in love” is a cop out.
All those who just gasped in horror are asked to keep reading. There’s good reason for my bold statement. And here it is: I believe you either love someone or you don’t. You can’t – in my opinion – be luke warm about love. You either love someone or your don’t. (Please keep reading.) All that said, I also believe that once our heart decides it loves someone, our rational mind chooses how to categorize that love and what level of commitment that category imposes. For example, there’s the kind of love we have for friends which is characterized by deep connection or understanding. In that kind of relationship, we enjoy the other person’s company and it is likely that we want the best for the other person, but the extent to which we are responsible for that happiness is limited because major life decisions aren’t always shared. There’s the kind of love we hold for our pets. That is a nurturing love, based on pretty simple needs being met for both parties. There’s the deep love parents hold for a child … the connection of having created or cared so deeply for another person that you can’t imagine life without them. And then there’s romantic love…the feeling that we’ve actually found someone who “gets us” and shares common values and goals. We love this person as a life partner and decide it is with this person that we want to build a life. It is the love exaggerated in movies. Sadly, romantic love is often confused with the lust we feel at the beginning of a relationship when everything is new and all of our senses are tingling. But lust wears off over time – or at least comes and goes in waves – and when we no longer feel that excitement of new chemicals rushing through our eager bodies, we look at the other person and say, “Babe, I love you. I’m just not in love with you anymore.” It’s crap. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.
Look, I’m certainly no expert on love or dating or even marriage for that matter. I do the best I can and I hope the people I love know I love them. But as someone who admittedly falls in and out of love with something on a weekly basis, I think I have a pretty good handle on how I think about it all. Just last week, I fell so in love with a bag of cheese curls that I thought I could never go a day without them. Today, the annoying orange powder just irritated me. But next week? Maybe I will like them again. My point? I love cheese curls. Some days they excite me and other days they don’t, but I haven’t stopped loving them. Maybe that’s how we should look at the people we love.
I also think we need to nurture the love we have for others. So many of us take it for granted, assuming that once someone says they love us, we can grow lazy or complacent. Warning! That’s when you’re at risk of hearing that dreaded “in love” thing. When you stop demonstrating all the wonderful qualities that made someone stop and think, “Wow. That person is pretty awesome,” the chances of someone getting bored multiply. Am I suggesting that we need to be at the top of our game all day, every day? Certainly not. I know I don’t have the energy for that. But I am suggesting that relationships take work. And if you’re struggling to find fulfilling and meaningful relationships in your life, maybe it’s because you’re not putting in the effort. And to take that further, romance doesn’t just happen. It is created. Go. Create.
Finally, I will just say this. People are unique and idiosyncratic and complex. The chances of us loving (or even liking) every person we meet are slim. In this great garden of life, we’re lucky to find a few beautiful flowers. Just remember, even they make us sneeze from time to time.
This is the Year I Stop Saying, “Let’s Get Together Soon”
Before you assume, based on my headline, that I am about to become a complete introvert, let me quickly clarify my intentions. In 2014, instead of intending to see people, my goal is to actually schedule time with them. Put them on my calendar and treat them like any other important appointment. I vow not to cancel because I’m tired or grumpy or broke. No. Instead, I will be making a true and valiant effort to spend more of my moments with the people I love, respect, value, or otherwise cherish. It will be – for all intents and purposes – my new year’s resolution.
Why this strong shift in purpose? Well, it occurred to me this week after the sudden and shocking loss of a friend that we all say, “Let’s get together soon” entirely too much. While the words themselves make us feel like we are nurturing a relationship, the fact of the matter is that we are delaying an obligation to foster and feed our relationships. Yes, I said obligation and I chose that word intentionally. You see, it seems to me that if we choose the word “friend” to describe someone, we also have a duty to remain connected. Friendship does not happen without that connection. It can’t. But I also know that my life is busy…busy with work, busy with errands, busy with all the tedious things that keep me occupied but don’t really add any true value to my life. All the while, the people who add zest to my life, who encourage my talents, who love me despite my shortcomings, who rely on me for support…they are what waits for all the other “stuff” to be resolved. In truth, all those other things will always be there. Those important people will not.
So that’s that. If you are a friend of mine, chances are good that you’ll be getting a call or a text very soon asking you to schedule time with me. (And by the way, I do NOT think texting is ever a good substitute for real conversation.) And I will be persistent. My hope is that others will join me in making 2014 the year we stop saying, “Let’s get together soon,” and instead spend more moments saying, “It was really nice to see you.”
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